Tag Archives: music

One of those days…

25 May

Ever-nagging Voice in My Head: So, what did you do today?

Me: Well, you old fun-killer, I was going start packing, but instead I slept in and snuggled until 10 a.m. with Bug. I like to think of it as future Saturday morning training. Then we got dressed, we had a great lunch date, and I took him to daycare. I thought about going to see a matinée movie by myself, which is one of my favorite things to do with an afternoon. I order popcorn with way too much butter and see whatever the hell I feel like seeing without having to take someone else’s opinion in to consideration or hear about what they thought of the movie afterwards. It’s lovely. But I went and got myself some Starbucks to kill the time and ended up reading articles on Autostraddle, and then I missed my movie time. So I decided I would just lay in bed, drink coffee, listen to my 70s rock channel on my Pandora, and enjoy the cool breeze wafting in my windows while I surf the Interwebs for whatever catches my fancy. For example, I just won this kick-ass vintage “Members Only” jacket on eBay. Oh, and I might update my blog if I’m feeling particularly motivated. And catch up on some Netflix.

Yes, it’s a rough, rough life. And I’m enjoying my break, dammit.

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Sometimes

8 Sep

Sometimes I think I’d be better off relegating myself to a life of being single.  Oh, I’d still have intimate relationships.  But they’d be with the understanding that I’m beholden to no one, I don’t share a house with anyone, and you can take me as I am or see yourself out.

Sometimes the things I write in my head never make it to paper or blog.  They die a slow and painful death, expiring in snippets as I remember less and less of them throughout the day.  They’re like little daydreams that never survive past the world between awake and asleep.

Sometimes I question my sexuality.  I try to remember how long I’ve felt this way, and whether or not what I feel is what I really feel or just what I think I should feel.  And the older I get, the more lesbian-oriented I get.  By the time I’m 50, I’ll be the biggest dyke ever.  I’ll be the aunt at the family reunions who brings her “roommate.” My husband and I will just be really good (probably divorced) friends who happen to have a (really awesome) kid together.  Then I think about living a life without having heterosexual sex ever again, and it makes me a little sad. I guess I’m destined to a life in limbo.

“Sometimes is never quite enough,” according to Alanis Morrisette.  I couldn’t agree more.  People think I’m so demanding sometimes.  Ha.  Try living in my head.  I’m uber-demanding of myself every second of every day.  I guess I never got over the “if you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love” mindset that was so ingrained in me.

Sometimes I look at my blood relatives and I wonder how on earth it is I came from the same tidal basin of the gene pool. Maybe I’m adopted.  There are days when I don’t want to speak to my family again, unless I can tell them exactly what I think and how I feel for once without being called selfish for doing so.  I frequently can’t believe I made it out of my home/hometown/home state with my sanity in tact. Clearly, they did not.

Sometimes I wish I could be oblivious.  Stupid, even. What must it be like to live a life of contentment, of never wanting more? To just not know any better?  To never question, to just fall in to line and be happy with the status quo.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to just be dead. I don’t mean that in a “Oh, look at me, my life sucks, someone hear my cries for help,” kind of way.  I just mean it in a very factual sense.  I think about how peaceful and quiet death is going to be, and I sorta look forward to it.  Then I feel like a major asshole for thinking things like that when I have so many amazing people and opportunities in my life.

Re-Ignited

18 Mar

So, I went to a concert last night at Wolftrap.

First of all, it’s pathetic that I have lived here for 4.5 years and never been to Wolftrap for anything. Second, it made me remember how much I love music. Having a stressful day today is what makes me want to think about it again.  I love that music can take me away to someplace beyond my current state of mind.

Anyway… I digress: the concert was Eliane Elias, a Brazilian-born jazz pianist. It was fabulous. She was so much fun to watch and the musicians accompanying her were amazing. I sat there with goose-bumps through at least three-quarters of the concert. It made me miss the kind of enjoyment of music that only comes with being in the music and playing. I’m totally inspired to start playing and singing again, so we shall see.