Tag Archives: blogs

Here Goes Nothing

25 May

I’m back out there. I’d like to say “and better than ever” but that will remain to be seen. Instead of trying to pull of an entire blog revamp before I republished my site, I decided to take it a piece at a time.

Part of the revamp is just aesthetic, but part of it is filtering back through all my old entries and editing the names to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). I know it’s not fool-proof. It’s not meant to be. It’s just meant to give a veil of privacy to myself, my friends, and my family.

So! As I get a section of posts updated, I’ll mention it in a brief post in case you’re new here and want to read them, or if you’ve been around since my early days and want to reminisce about the stupid crap I used to do. Either way, I look forward to sharing more with you, as a lot of exciting (good AND bad) things have happened in my life recently, and I feel like I’m finally moving in a great direction.

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Sometimes

8 Sep

Sometimes I think I’d be better off relegating myself to a life of being single.  Oh, I’d still have intimate relationships.  But they’d be with the understanding that I’m beholden to no one, I don’t share a house with anyone, and you can take me as I am or see yourself out.

Sometimes the things I write in my head never make it to paper or blog.  They die a slow and painful death, expiring in snippets as I remember less and less of them throughout the day.  They’re like little daydreams that never survive past the world between awake and asleep.

Sometimes I question my sexuality.  I try to remember how long I’ve felt this way, and whether or not what I feel is what I really feel or just what I think I should feel.  And the older I get, the more lesbian-oriented I get.  By the time I’m 50, I’ll be the biggest dyke ever.  I’ll be the aunt at the family reunions who brings her “roommate.” My husband and I will just be really good (probably divorced) friends who happen to have a (really awesome) kid together.  Then I think about living a life without having heterosexual sex ever again, and it makes me a little sad. I guess I’m destined to a life in limbo.

“Sometimes is never quite enough,” according to Alanis Morrisette.  I couldn’t agree more.  People think I’m so demanding sometimes.  Ha.  Try living in my head.  I’m uber-demanding of myself every second of every day.  I guess I never got over the “if you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love” mindset that was so ingrained in me.

Sometimes I look at my blood relatives and I wonder how on earth it is I came from the same tidal basin of the gene pool. Maybe I’m adopted.  There are days when I don’t want to speak to my family again, unless I can tell them exactly what I think and how I feel for once without being called selfish for doing so.  I frequently can’t believe I made it out of my home/hometown/home state with my sanity in tact. Clearly, they did not.

Sometimes I wish I could be oblivious.  Stupid, even. What must it be like to live a life of contentment, of never wanting more? To just not know any better?  To never question, to just fall in to line and be happy with the status quo.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to just be dead. I don’t mean that in a “Oh, look at me, my life sucks, someone hear my cries for help,” kind of way.  I just mean it in a very factual sense.  I think about how peaceful and quiet death is going to be, and I sorta look forward to it.  Then I feel like a major asshole for thinking things like that when I have so many amazing people and opportunities in my life.

In Light of Recent Darkness

22 May

For reasons I’ll refrain from elaborating on, I am compelled to mark the resurgence of my participation in the blogosphere with an entry to explain where I’ve been, and why I’m back.  Or at least acknowledge that such an absence has occurred.

Either way, I can’t just start writing again like it hasn’t been eight-plus months.  Obviously a lot has gone on in that time.  Some of which I’ll catch up on – in passing or directly – some of which is still a work in progress, and some of which is just plain done and gone.

Topics may be a bit dark, nerves may be a little raw, and posts may not be as loquaciously insightful as usual.  The style and look may morph. Old posts might disappear or change.  New people will be linked and/or joining us.

At the risk of going on and on about only tangentially related topics without saying much (I’m still percolating other entries), thanks for still being here.  In the words of one of my fave blogs: Thanks for stopping by.  I mean it.  Really.

Getting Over It

8 Mar

Monday’s a good day to write my first BLOG. I’m stressed today because all my bills have started rolling in from moving and getting utilities set up. I found out today that the company that I accepted a new job offer from last week only pays ONCE A MONTH!!! So, I’m gonna get paid for a week on the 1st of April and then no more money until May. Ouch.

The reason this is more stressful than usual is because it’s not just about me paying or not paying my bills… it’s about making it on my own. I feel like if I can make it through these first few months I’ll be okay. Agent-008 told me that if I left him, I’d never make it on my own… so it’s kind of about proving to myself that he was wrong.

He told me this weekend that he didn’t want to talk to me or see me anymore, that he can’t deal with the “friends” thing. Wow. That hurt a lot more than I thought it would. Says he can’t get over me if he sees me because every time I’m around him, he falls in love with me all over again. He knows I don’t feel the same way, and I think it’s too much for him to handle.

The part I can’t handle is knowing that I fucked up someone else’s life. Yeah, he’s an adult and he took part in making the decision to get married… and he certainly contributed to the problems in the marriage, but… he’s such a good guy, and if I had just been an ounce more self-realized two years ago, I could have prevented a lot of pain and agony. And maybe he’d be married to the right person and a lot happier right now. .

I miss little things about him… like having our own language and jokes, him knowing things about me that no one else knows, just having someone around that I was so totally comfortable with. But, being comfortable with someone is not a good reason to spend the rest of your life with that person. I guess I’ve got a lot of time to get comfortable with myself before I venture down that path again…

And even though I know he’ll never read this… I hope he knows how sorry I am and that he finds someone to lavish all his love on who will appreciate how special he is.

Well, this is a lot of crap I didn’t mean to write, but I guess blogging is all about writing whatever you want to say. Helps to just get it out there instead of letting it bounce around in my head.