Re-evaluating Relativity

27 May

Tonight I got to spend some time with my very good friend Mary Jane. She’s so much fun. Any little bit of time with her just lights up my day. Today she graduated with a teaching certificate in her field so getting to see her was extra special. Plus, watching the latest episode of Glee together definitely helped.

When I got home, I was reflecting on my time in Kansas and how much things have changed. I came here a married, brand-new first-time mom, waiting on her husband to get back from a deployment to Iraq. I am leaving (almost) divorced, a confident mom of an amazing nearly-four-year-old, new college graduate with a kick-ass degree, my own business, and recently out of the closet to everyone… and proud of it.

I mean, hello?! Monumental life changes much?

One of the things I have always embraced in my life is the knowledge that I have NO idea what the next year will bring. I can look back one year from any point in my life. And I never would have imagined what was coming next. I realize that’s a terrifying prospect for some people. Both as it relates to it happening to them, and as it relates to it happening to someone with whom they are in a committed relationship.

I get that. Really.

But it’s not me. I relish the constant reincarnation of self. The major things, like what I listed above, aren’t typical changes for me. The small tweaks of self-realization on a daily basis are the changes that drive the larger cog of my existence.

What’s amazing is seeing how far I’ve come in such a relatively short amount of time (considering the length of the average life span, and taking out of consideration the fact that I still think I’m going to die when I’m 45)… and thinking about how much more I have to see and experience.

It’s all relative to where you’ve been.

On the line of relativity, tonight I also thought about how amazing it has been to make new friends over the past few months, mostly since I’ve come out. I’m finally getting to know people as myself. The closest thing I’ve been to my true self, ever. I don’t have some subconscious lump in the back of my throat, I am more relaxed, I am so much more in the moment now.

Because I can finally just be me.

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Here Goes Nothing

25 May

I’m back out there. I’d like to say “and better than ever” but that will remain to be seen. Instead of trying to pull of an entire blog revamp before I republished my site, I decided to take it a piece at a time.

Part of the revamp is just aesthetic, but part of it is filtering back through all my old entries and editing the names to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). I know it’s not fool-proof. It’s not meant to be. It’s just meant to give a veil of privacy to myself, my friends, and my family.

So! As I get a section of posts updated, I’ll mention it in a brief post in case you’re new here and want to read them, or if you’ve been around since my early days and want to reminisce about the stupid crap I used to do. Either way, I look forward to sharing more with you, as a lot of exciting (good AND bad) things have happened in my life recently, and I feel like I’m finally moving in a great direction.

One of those days…

25 May

Ever-nagging Voice in My Head: So, what did you do today?

Me: Well, you old fun-killer, I was going start packing, but instead I slept in and snuggled until 10 a.m. with Bug. I like to think of it as future Saturday morning training. Then we got dressed, we had a great lunch date, and I took him to daycare. I thought about going to see a matinée movie by myself, which is one of my favorite things to do with an afternoon. I order popcorn with way too much butter and see whatever the hell I feel like seeing without having to take someone else’s opinion in to consideration or hear about what they thought of the movie afterwards. It’s lovely. But I went and got myself some Starbucks to kill the time and ended up reading articles on Autostraddle, and then I missed my movie time. So I decided I would just lay in bed, drink coffee, listen to my 70s rock channel on my Pandora, and enjoy the cool breeze wafting in my windows while I surf the Interwebs for whatever catches my fancy. For example, I just won this kick-ass vintage “Members Only” jacket on eBay. Oh, and I might update my blog if I’m feeling particularly motivated. And catch up on some Netflix.

Yes, it’s a rough, rough life. And I’m enjoying my break, dammit.

That Little Voice

12 Apr

I’ve had a fabulous week. So many moments of “holy shit my life is awesome right now” that I’m starting to wonder if my meds are a little TOO good. Nothing major. Just little things that make you revel in the moment of life. I’m really trying to think more positively. Maybe it’s working.

Part of this upturn in awesomeness is from some new friends I’ve made recently, one of whom is Mary Jane. *insert bad weed joke here* We have known “of” each other for a couple years, through a salon I visit. Only recently did we get to talk more when she did my hair one day when I couldn’t get in with my usual stylist before I left town. Since then, we’ve been hanging out after school/work most evenings. I have made her dinner, we listen to amazing music, drink wine, and never run out of things to talk about. She’s adorable, she’s interesting, she’s funny, she’s a little bit loud, and… oh, shit. I think I like her.

One of things I like so much is that she’ll say something random during a conversation. Something goofy that I would say. And then she’ll say out loud the exact self-deprecating things that I have said to myself so many times. Like, “Oh geez, why did you just say that? Seriously? Who SAYS that?!” It cracks me up to no end.

Obvs, since I’m digging this girl I have started wondering if she feels the same. I know she’s bi, I know she has recently dated both girls and guys, I know she’s a bit of a flirt. As each night has progressed, the hugs have become more profuse and prolonged. She gushes about how much fun she has hanging out with me. The past couple of times we’ve hung out, we’ve sat close on the couch with our legs touching. She told me that her girl friends at work have been asking her if we make out when we hang out (how totally high school!). Today, she even talked about making plans to take a weekend trip to another city (a couple hours away) to do some things and meet some of her family. So, by tonight I’m definitely thinking about trying to kiss this girl.

All evening, as we’re sitting on the couch, I think about it but I never get up the nerve. The moment’s not right, or she moves or does some body language thing that makes me bail on the mission. She gets up to leave for the evening because it’s late and we both have to be up early.

Chatting at the door. Hug. Really long hug. She pulls away from hug and goes in for another one, only her face is tilted up slightly. Shit. I should do this. I pull back a little and look her in the eyes. She smiles. I go in for the kiss. Our lips touch. Pause. Touch again. She’s smiling. I’m smiling. She turns to leave, then turns around and grabs my arm to thank me for a great night. I was hoping for another kiss, but she goes. I feel pretty good about this.

Then, the voice kicks in: dammit, why did you do that? What if she doesn’t like you “like that” and you have all this fun hanging out with a really cool person and now you just went and made things really awkward. Shit. You should totally have waited for her to make the first move.

She texts me to let me know that she made it home okay. It started out cool, and ended with me… well, with me flipping out in my head about this shit enough to write a blog instead of going to bed and staring at the ceiling over-thinking it while I try to fall asleep.

MJ: Home safe! Thanks for another lovely evening. 🙂
Me: Glad you made it. 🙂 And thank YOU.
[Inside My Head Voice: Ugh. That was the cheesiest reply EV-ER. Say something funny.]
Me: Here’s my inside my head voice: OMG. That was SO AWKWARD. Why did you DO that? And why are you typing in all CAPS?!
[IMHV: Okay, not bad. Way to break the ice on the topic of the kiss. Ball is totally in her court.]
MJ: Haha! Stop! It’s fine! See? I’m using lots of exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[IMHV: Yay! She gets it. But she kinda dodged the kiss subject.]
Me: Thanks, that makes me feel BETTER!!!! 🙂 You’re so funny and adorable.
[IMHV: Um, please stop being a dork. And way to fish for more info, genius. Just say something direct. Geez. This is NOT that difficult.]
Me: I really wanted to kiss you earlier in the night but I wasn’t sure how that’d go over, so… I chickened out until the last possible minute.
[IMHV: Strike One for over-sharing. Strike Two for sending a second double-text in a convo that is going nowhere fast.]
MJ: I’ve just really enjoyed getting to know you. It really sucks not having known you sooner!
[IMHV: I told you so. You totally mucked this up. She can’t even think of anything to say to get out of this conversation! She just liked hanging out with you and you had to go and make it about something physical because you haven’t been properly laid in months. Good job.  Hey, have fun recovering from this one.]
Me: Yeah, it does suck. But better late than never!
[IMHV: *sigh* This is exhausting, really. Strike Three for using “better” again. That’s such a boring word. AND you used it in a cliche. Ugh. I’m going to bed now.]

What I Learned This Weekend

3 Apr

File under “Being a Newbie Homo.” Also, “Learning to Adapt to Being Gay in a Straight World.”

What I learned this weekend can be summed up in the text exchange I had with Hippie Rancher today, about my Saturday night out with two of my straight friends from high school:

HR: Did you meet lots of women?

Me: No, I did not. We stayed one place longer than we expected to hear a band B2 knows. So we didn’t make it to the girl bar.

Me: I got to be a stand0offish bitch to all the straight guys who persisted in hitting on me. On a positive note, I now realize why gay people don’t like to go to straight bars.

And, the story could end there and you’d maybe get the point, but when have I ever let a chance to tell a great story pass me by? Uh, never.

I mean… for serious. I had a wonderful, amazing weekend of chilling with fun people with (relatively) little drama, in Wichita. Friday night, hit up my first MMA fight at a venue featuring local fighters, for a  kids’ charity event.  Great group of people I met through a friend at school. Bought shots for a ring girl. Screamed and jumped up and down while guys pummeled each other. Left wanting to MMA fight. Did a little dancing. Made out with a girl on the dance floor. Left, got DIVINE street ‘dawgs from a vendor — complete with cucumbers, pickles, onions, jalapenos, and chili.  Total heartburn special. Totally worth it. And topped the night off with local greasy spoon Mexican cafe, Rene’s. Colorado burrito? Hell yes. Get one.

Here’s where it gets potentially messy. No one in the group knows I’m gay, except maybe the guy from school but we’ve never had “the” convo.  On the way to drop people off, one of the guys I danced with had me sit in his lap because we were seriously smooshed in this truck. Well, he decides to get out when they drop me off, and follow me to the house. I’m like, “Uhhh… mkay. Maybe he left his car here. Maybe he needs to pee and they’re waiting on him. Maybe he just really wants to have a great conversation.” Really? I know better than that!

But I feel like, since I’ve come out fully, that there should be some external change that other people can recognize the same way I feel a huge internal change from how my life was even three months ago.  And I am still coming to grips with having to have the “gay” conversation with almost every human being I get in to a decent conversation with. Or assumptions are made (like the one that was made this night) and then people get confused. And a little mad.

So, this guy and I sit at the dining room table, alone in B2’s house at 2 a.m. And we have an awesome conversation about spirituality and life after death, and… of all things… our mutual history with WWE/WWF wrestling.  Random, right? My kind of shit. I LOVE meeting people through completely chance encounters and having great conversation. But I digress…

A couple hours later, around 4:30 a.m., this guy says, “Well, it’s late and I’d better either leave or go to bed.”

To which I replied, “I can drive you home if you’d like.”

“You can if you want. I’m just saying that if I crash in a bed with you, there’s a small chance I’ll try to pull something on you,” he threw out there.

After a pause, I managed, “Would it help you not feel that way if I told you that I’m gay?”

Proceed with 45 minutes of him vacillating between asking me questions about being gay, to him being a jerk about the “wasted time and effort” (though he never came out and said that), to him actually STILL trying to get me to sleep with him.  F’real. I finally made the choice for him, and took his ass home.

The next day, I was pissed. Why should I have to justify my sexuality to some dipshit 25-year old kid who only followed me home because he got a boner when I sat in his lap? Why do I even care so much? But most of all: how do I keep this from happening again? I talked to HR about it, and he advocated that I be as up front as possible if a guy starts to invest time in me.  And he also suggested that I dial down the flirtatiousness.  I’m not awful. But I think I have a sort of natural charm that just happens without me realizing it. Until I’m doing it. And then it’s too late to stop.

Saturday night. B2, Virgin Mary, and I are dolled up and ready to rock. If I do say so m’self, I looked pretty awesome. Jeans and rock graffitti Chucks, mohawk in a pomp, black chiffon corset topped with a killer leather vest, 50’s June Cleaver hot pink choker beads, and a huge turquoise ring. Oh yes.