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Reflections

24 Nov

What a week. I have felt like I was in the middle of a downward-spiraling hurricane of depression and self-pity, with no way to pull myself out. I’m climbing back up. I always do. And as I spend Thanksgiving day alone, I feel the need to reflect out loud about the things that have brought me to this point, and why I know I can move forward.

Yesterday, when I was trying to figure out why I felt like my soul was being crushed into a grey mass of oblivion, I knew part of it was the impending holiday spent alone. I was shutting everyone out, pushing away friends and family, because I didn’t want to be a part of anyone else’s family day. I didn’t want to put on a happy face and go through the motions of someone else’s traditions. I wanted to be alone.  Honestly, holidays for the past few years have been positively hell even with my own family around for them. Either Mr. Smith was about to deploy, or deployed, or back from deployment and making me miserable. Our holidays always sucked.

Then I thought about the last time I was alone on Thanksgiving. It was 1999. I lived in Spain at the time, and I was pregnant from a one-night stand with a married guy. I decided to have an abortion, but since the procedure is illegal in Spain, I had to fly to the States. I had no one to come with me. I flew in on Tuesday, found a hotel near the clinic, and went by myself to have an abortion on Wednesday. I have never felt so stranded in my life. Until the next day, when I sat in a hotel room, in physical and mental anguish, alone on Thanksgiving day. My family knew I was in the States, and my mom was upset that I couldn’t fly to Kansas to spend the day with them. I told her I was there on a temporary work assignment. I flew back to Spain the next day, and I resumed a miserably lonely existence riding out some of the worst months of my life. Which is saying a lot, considering some of my shit.

Back to the present time… yesterday, I opened up and try to relay this bit of history to someone I’ll call Birch who was trying to understand why I was so upset. Mid-story, I got a phone call from Mr. Smith, who had been blowing me up about needing to talk about divorce “stuff”. That turned out to be a subterfuge for a much larger announcement, made even more ironic by my trip down memory lane… he was calling to tell me that his girlfriend (who also happens to be his first ex-wife aka Voldemort #2, for those who aren’t in the know) is pregnant. And they wanted to tell Bug about it, along with the rest of his family on Thanksgiving (all of whom had been inviting me to join them… thank God I didn’t).

End of phone call. *Cue meltdown.*

Birch called back. I told him what I had just learned and started bawling. I don’t know why it hurt me so much. It just hurt. Usually at this point, I would shut down, stop talking to anyone, hang up, go radar silent. For some reason, I can talk to Birch like I’ve never talked to anyone. I still feel like I don’t make sense outside of my head, and that I’m rambling and awkward, but at least I’m talking.

Eventually it started to come out. I was tired of seeing everyone else being happy around while I’m alone. I’m tired of feeling confused and lost. I’m tired of keeping my feelings so closely guarded that I have no outlet for them. And, in this case, my feelings were of fear. Fear that Mr. Smith and Voldemort #2 are starting a family, one that will include my son and will give him something that I can’t… like siblings, and two parents… fear that I will never be happy or in love again. That part of me will always be alone in a hotel room on Thanksgiving, hating myself for the decisions I’ve made. Ugh.

I spent the rest of yesterday in a pretty solid funk. I stayed up late, on my couch, drinking and smoking myself in to oblivion. At least I calmed down a bit, had a couple of good conversations — including one in which I called Bittersweet to tell her the baby news and we shared a good laugh over what an idiot my ex is. I went to bed feeling about a million times better than I had that morning.

When I woke up today (at almost 2 p.m.), it was hard to get out of bed knowing that everyone else I know was probably surrounded by family or friends, eating, sharing, getting on each other’s nerves… but I took a deep breath and got up anyway.

I cooked myself some awesome food, looked up movie times to go see a show, thought about getting in the shower to get ready to get out of the house… and then I proceeded to lay on the couch surrounded by blankets, pillows, my heating pad, and food. I watched a lot of Glee, and ignored “happy Thanksgiving” text messages. I talked to Bug on the phone and tried to not cry when he asked me how my day was.

Maybe that sounds awful and depressing, but it’s an improvement over how I’ve been feeling. Because I need to cut myself some slack and take a day to rest and just… FEEL. Without wallowing in guilt or self-pity for sometimes being down, or having days (hell, weeks) when I don’t get done what I want to get done. I have a past, and some of it is brutal. But I have come so far and learned so much. Now, I have beautiful things in my life that I can appreciate even more because of everything I’ve experienced.

So, today, I am thankful. For being strong enough to be alone. For being able to move forward and open myself up again. For being able to recognize that part of having a lot of good in your life means sometimes having a little bit of pain and darkness. I’m thankful for my past, and even more thankful for all the possibilities of my future.

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Pity Party for One

23 Nov

I have maybe never been this depressed at Thanksgiving before. Well, not since 1999, anyway. That seems like another lifetime ago. In some ways, I wonder if I’m having some sort of cyclical event-related depression leftover from that time. Maybe it’s brought on/triggered by how generally dysphoric I’ve been lately anyway about life in general, plus the fact that this is the first Thanksgiving since that one which I will be spending alone.

Sometimes I think about how nice it must be to be obliviously crazy. By that I mean, to just be insane and not know any better. I should work on that. Instead, I am painfully aware of my moods, my thoughts, and how “off” I am. I push people away because they just make me feel more crazy. Their reassurances, their attempts at making me feel better, or worst of all — trying to tell me that I’m being negative and that my life really isn’t that bad. No shit. My life overall is pretty good. I have a nice place to live, I have a beautiful son, I have food, I’m sorta employed. Telling me that doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel shittier for not being able to be happy about it.

Yes, I have tried talking to my friends. I don’t really talk to my family about these things. And, for whatever reason, through no fault of theirs, I am failing to feel connected to them. I just don’t feel understood. I kind of know why, but I don’t feel like there’s much I can do about it. So, I will retreat in to this coccoon of self-pity and misery and I will feel like life is hopeless and just hunker down until the storm passes. Because it always does. The day it doesn’t, I will be dead. Don’t take that as a death threat. It’s reality.

On that note, I don’t know why people are so afraid of dying, or so uptight about talking about it. I know what song I want played at my funeral. I want to be wheeled in late while everyone is sitting there so I can continue to be perpetually tardy like I have all my life. I’m still convinced that I’m going to die when I’m 45, which is something I’ve had a strong conviction about for as long as I can recall. Maybe that’s why I take chances and sometimes do stupid things. Because subconsciously I feel invincible for another 12 years. I think when you’ve experienced so much death & trauma firsthand, at some point death ceases to faze you. I guess that’s a bad thing in a way. The only time it all bothers me is when I have my compulsive death thoughts — “Final Destination” type scenarios that play out in my head whether I want them to or not, brought on by who knows what. Sometimes they’re about me, sometimes they’re about other people. Always they are gruesomely detailed and disturbing in their graphicness. I don’t know why my brain does it. Actually, I kind of do. Apparently it’s a common manifestation of OCD. Shocking that I have OCD, I know.

This whole feeling thing sucks even more because I am usually very action-oriented. I function best when I’m busy, when I’m working, when I have a project, somewhere to go, something… and when I reach this level of shittiness, I am rendered practically incapable of action. Nothing sounds good, nothing makes sense, I can’t make a damn decision about anything. It’s like being held hostage by my brain. And my brain is a mean motherfucker. It means business. Don’t make a move or it will hurt someone. It is not here to negotiate. It wants everything on its own terms. So, I wait. I try to figure out what it wants.

Sometimes that means writing a blog and letting all my shit hang out there. Writing is cathartic to me. I have a drawer full of half-written journals, scrawls on pages, letters written and never sent, held on to over years of moves and life changes. No one has been allowed to read them. Ever. Blogging for me is cathartic in a different way, because it requires me to think more about what I’m feeling and try to express it in a way that will (hopefully) make sense outside of my head.

A lot of times the waiting means just keeping everything inside, but I know that’s not good so I’m trying to get better about it. But it’s a scary feeling, being open and honest about my thoughts when I’ve kept so much to myself. I know it seems like I’m pretty open and out there — but don’t mistake directness & honesty for openness. There is a difference. I guess that’s another reason why I feel disconnected from the world at large… because sometimes the “me” I know feels so drastically different from the “me” everyone else knows. And it’s a lot of fucking work keeping up with it.

Maybe I need to quit doing that. It would require a drastic reduction in my levels of caring what people think. Which I do, way more than my “I’m a badass” image portrayal lets on. I am working on not taking responsibility for other people’s feelings. I don’t mean that in an uncaring way. But in a healthy, positive way. You have your shit, I have mine. I have enough to deal with on my plate, so I am going to stop eating off of yours. Figuratively, speaking of course. I will still steal your actual french fries.

Here Goes Nothing

25 May

I’m back out there. I’d like to say “and better than ever” but that will remain to be seen. Instead of trying to pull of an entire blog revamp before I republished my site, I decided to take it a piece at a time.

Part of the revamp is just aesthetic, but part of it is filtering back through all my old entries and editing the names to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). I know it’s not fool-proof. It’s not meant to be. It’s just meant to give a veil of privacy to myself, my friends, and my family.

So! As I get a section of posts updated, I’ll mention it in a brief post in case you’re new here and want to read them, or if you’ve been around since my early days and want to reminisce about the stupid crap I used to do. Either way, I look forward to sharing more with you, as a lot of exciting (good AND bad) things have happened in my life recently, and I feel like I’m finally moving in a great direction.

In Light of Recent Darkness

22 May

For reasons I’ll refrain from elaborating on, I am compelled to mark the resurgence of my participation in the blogosphere with an entry to explain where I’ve been, and why I’m back.  Or at least acknowledge that such an absence has occurred.

Either way, I can’t just start writing again like it hasn’t been eight-plus months.  Obviously a lot has gone on in that time.  Some of which I’ll catch up on – in passing or directly – some of which is still a work in progress, and some of which is just plain done and gone.

Topics may be a bit dark, nerves may be a little raw, and posts may not be as loquaciously insightful as usual.  The style and look may morph. Old posts might disappear or change.  New people will be linked and/or joining us.

At the risk of going on and on about only tangentially related topics without saying much (I’m still percolating other entries), thanks for still being here.  In the words of one of my fave blogs: Thanks for stopping by.  I mean it.  Really.

Looking Back

12 Mar

I got a little nostalgic – and bored – tonight and pulled out some old writing tonight.  This is from a journal, dated August 14, 1997:

Do you know how it feels to be so mad that you could swear your blood is boiling?
Your heart is pounding and your muscles twitch with adrenaline, as the poison of anger flows through your body and you want to yell and scream and throw things around… and sometimes later you realize it was over the stupidest thing in the world.

Do you know how it feels to be so happy that you could swear your face is going to stick in a permanent smile?
You want to make everyone around you as happy as you feel and the world seems wonderful and your eyes see every color just a little brighter and your mouth is running ninety-to-nothing… and sometimes after a while you realize you were probably just being the most annoying person in the world.

Do you know how it feels to be so sad that you could swear your heart is stopping?
Your eyes feel like dams threatening to overflow with tears but you’re doing your best to hold them back and there’s that dryness in your mouth and sick feeling in the pit of your stomach and you need to swallow the lump rising in your throat… and sometimes when you do, it sounds like the loudest noise in the world.