That Little Voice

12 Apr

I’ve had a fabulous week. So many moments of “holy shit my life is awesome right now” that I’m starting to wonder if my meds are a little TOO good. Nothing major. Just little things that make you revel in the moment of life. I’m really trying to think more positively. Maybe it’s working.

Part of this upturn in awesomeness is from some new friends I’ve made recently, one of whom is Mary Jane. *insert bad weed joke here* We have known “of” each other for a couple years, through a salon I visit. Only recently did we get to talk more when she did my hair one day when I couldn’t get in with my usual stylist before I left town. Since then, we’ve been hanging out after school/work most evenings. I have made her dinner, we listen to amazing music, drink wine, and never run out of things to talk about. She’s adorable, she’s interesting, she’s funny, she’s a little bit loud, and… oh, shit. I think I like her.

One of things I like so much is that she’ll say something random during a conversation. Something goofy that I would say. And then she’ll say out loud the exact self-deprecating things that I have said to myself so many times. Like, “Oh geez, why did you just say that? Seriously? Who SAYS that?!” It cracks me up to no end.

Obvs, since I’m digging this girl I have started wondering if she feels the same. I know she’s bi, I know she has recently dated both girls and guys, I know she’s a bit of a flirt. As each night has progressed, the hugs have become more profuse and prolonged. She gushes about how much fun she has hanging out with me. The past couple of times we’ve hung out, we’ve sat close on the couch with our legs touching. She told me that her girl friends at work have been asking her if we make out when we hang out (how totally high school!). Today, she even talked about making plans to take a weekend trip to another city (a couple hours away) to do some things and meet some of her family. So, by tonight I’m definitely thinking about trying to kiss this girl.

All evening, as we’re sitting on the couch, I think about it but I never get up the nerve. The moment’s not right, or she moves or does some body language thing that makes me bail on the mission. She gets up to leave for the evening because it’s late and we both have to be up early.

Chatting at the door. Hug. Really long hug. She pulls away from hug and goes in for another one, only her face is tilted up slightly. Shit. I should do this. I pull back a little and look her in the eyes. She smiles. I go in for the kiss. Our lips touch. Pause. Touch again. She’s smiling. I’m smiling. She turns to leave, then turns around and grabs my arm to thank me for a great night. I was hoping for another kiss, but she goes. I feel pretty good about this.

Then, the voice kicks in: dammit, why did you do that? What if she doesn’t like you “like that” and you have all this fun hanging out with a really cool person and now you just went and made things really awkward. Shit. You should totally have waited for her to make the first move.

She texts me to let me know that she made it home okay. It started out cool, and ended with me… well, with me flipping out in my head about this shit enough to write a blog instead of going to bed and staring at the ceiling over-thinking it while I try to fall asleep.

MJ: Home safe! Thanks for another lovely evening. 🙂
Me: Glad you made it. 🙂 And thank YOU.
[Inside My Head Voice: Ugh. That was the cheesiest reply EV-ER. Say something funny.]
Me: Here’s my inside my head voice: OMG. That was SO AWKWARD. Why did you DO that? And why are you typing in all CAPS?!
[IMHV: Okay, not bad. Way to break the ice on the topic of the kiss. Ball is totally in her court.]
MJ: Haha! Stop! It’s fine! See? I’m using lots of exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[IMHV: Yay! She gets it. But she kinda dodged the kiss subject.]
Me: Thanks, that makes me feel BETTER!!!! 🙂 You’re so funny and adorable.
[IMHV: Um, please stop being a dork. And way to fish for more info, genius. Just say something direct. Geez. This is NOT that difficult.]
Me: I really wanted to kiss you earlier in the night but I wasn’t sure how that’d go over, so… I chickened out until the last possible minute.
[IMHV: Strike One for over-sharing. Strike Two for sending a second double-text in a convo that is going nowhere fast.]
MJ: I’ve just really enjoyed getting to know you. It really sucks not having known you sooner!
[IMHV: I told you so. You totally mucked this up. She can’t even think of anything to say to get out of this conversation! She just liked hanging out with you and you had to go and make it about something physical because you haven’t been properly laid in months. Good job.  Hey, have fun recovering from this one.]
Me: Yeah, it does suck. But better late than never!
[IMHV: *sigh* This is exhausting, really. Strike Three for using “better” again. That’s such a boring word. AND you used it in a cliche. Ugh. I’m going to bed now.]

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