Special Hamburger

20 Sep

Ever since I started renovating our side of the house, I have coined a nickname for our neighbor’s dog… “Special Hamburger” — so named because I would love nothing more than to feed it a special anti-freeze hamburger or five.  This thing defies all logic of ability in the amount of barking it does.  It’s probably deaf by now.  As are its owners, apparently, because they let the thing stand there and screech at them from inside its dog run while they are 20 feet away in the driveway, or inside, or in the backyard. 

So, I finally had enough after listening to it all.fucking.afternoon.  It’s a balmy 73 degrees outside and the only way I can open my windows and enjoy the weather is if I want to listen to the Barky McGee symphony all damn day. I realize it would probably be faster to just walk over there and tell them to shut it the hell up, but I’m a fan of written communication when possible.  Plus, this way, I don’t get arrested for punching someone in the face.


September 20, 2009

Dear Dog Owners,

This letter has been some time coming, but it is after a full three hours (and still going) on a Sunday afternoon of listening to your dog bark and whine and yap that I have finally decided to write you and ask your assistance in getting your dog to shut up. It’s ridiculous that we can’t even have our windows open to enjoy a nice afternoon breeze… or morning breeze, or evening breeze for that matter, because, let’s face it, your dog starts barking at 6:30 a.m. and doesn’t shut its yap all day.

Perhaps you have grown immune or deaf to the screechingly annoying sound that is your dog barking. Unfortunately, the rest of the neighborhood has not. Just because you live at the end of a dead end street does not mean there is an invisible wall surrounding your property so you can allow incessant noise at all hours. Yes, dogs bark. But more than a couple of minutes of barking in any given hour is, by most normal definitions, excessive. If I wanted to listen to someone’s mangy mutt bark its head off while chained to a stake outside, I would pay a lot less property tax and live in a trailer park on the other side of town.

There are a number of options available to you, as a responsible pet owner, to make your dog less of a yapping nuisance to your neighborhood. In addition to bark collars and training, there are also devices you can mount on your fence that emit a high-pitched noise whenever your dog barks, to help it to bark less. There’s also the novel concept of spending time with your dog, instead of leaving it outside squealing for attention. If you can’t do that, I highly recommend a friendly country home, placement with the SPCA, or euthanasia.

Obviously, I prefer to avoid personal confrontation. I’m afraid if I made this request in person, I would not be able to avoid using those naughty words my mom always taught me to not say to others in polite company. Please remedy this situation within a week from the date of this letter. If you are unable to do so, I will start filing noise complaints with the police department until the problem ceases to exist, or your dog finally keels over dead.

Thanks for your prompt attention to this matter.


Your Neighbors


4 Responses to “Special Hamburger”

  1. .Bittersweet. (Aunt Night-Mere) 21 September 2009 at 13:30 #

    LOL … jerk. Can’t wait to see the response. 😉

  2. stephlova 30 September 2009 at 19:33 #

    that letter is awesomeness! I too, can’t wait for a response. Hopefully for you, it will be delivered as peace and quiet.

  3. Jason 15 February 2010 at 04:48 #

    Awesome! I don’t know the outcome but I would bet the hamburger would have been more effective.

  4. quixoticchaotic 22 May 2010 at 20:08 #

    For anyone who cares/remembers about this situation, I thought I’d give an update…

    I maintained good neighborly conduct by refraining from feeding the mutt any of the aforementioned concoctions of animal parts & drugs. It continued to bark, but thanks to the weather up until recently, I was able to ignore it for the most part.

    Then Spring happened. Windows open. Dog absolutely screeching. To the point that my in-laws (some of the most laid-back people in the world) agreed that it was bad enough to call the cops.

    I called the neighbors (not the first time). No improvement. Again. So I called animal control. There is actually an enforceable no-bark code in this town. Animal control came out to talk to us, and talked to the neighbors.

    Threats of a ticket were made. I have to keep a log. Court could ensue, with charges filed from the city. Whole nine yards. But for now, some peace… and much-improved quiet.

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