New Lease

19 Jul

This has been the Year of the Shitty Tenants back at our property in Virginia.  There was the gay couple in the basement who faked a job transfer to Qatar to move out three weeks early on their lease with no notice without paying the last month’s rent, without paying ANY month’s rent on time, and having bounced three checks to us including their security deposit.  There was the crazy girl who lived upstairs with her cats that we didn’t know about, driving our perfectly good tenant/her roommate insane, and bouncing checks and paying late and using her security deposit for her last month’s rent, leaving us with over $600 in unpaid utilities.  Now we have a two-month college intern who is apparently as dumb as the day is long (on a REALLY long day), who has a dog with a leaky bladder that has peed all over the house and who can’t seem to grasp the concept that we did NOT have the front lawn re-seeded and a dog run put in (to the tune of $2,000) so his dog could shit all over the new grass. 

Thankfully, we are about to get a fresh new start.  Starting September 1, we will have all new tenants.  Tenants who have had rental applications checked, and paid deposits already, and have jobs that don’t require last minute transfers to exotic locales.  But just in case, we’re thinking about trying out a new, more to-the-point lease with them:

Name: _______________________________________
Stanford-Binet IQ:_______________________________

       Rent:  $____.00 per month, payable on time or late fee assessed: $50 for first late month,  $100 for second.  After second month we will begin taking body parts.
       Fee for bounced checks:  you will be charged $40 for the first bounced check, 1/8 of your rent for the second, 1/4 of your rent for the third, 1/2 for the fourth, etc.  If you don’t “get” this, you will be charged $150 for lying on Line 3 above.  Bounce as many checks as you want, we’re saving for a trip to Disney World.
       Yard care policy: grass is to be cut and yard watered when necessary.  No dogs are allowed loose in front yard under any circumstances.  If any dog doo is found in the front yard it will be carefully placed on the hood of your car.  If you don’t mind it in our ‘hood, we don’t mind it on yours.  Should there be repeated infractions, you will be called daily by Keyven, who will loudly repeat the word “poop” in your ear until you get the idea.
       Giving notice of vacation of property:  we have noticed that some tenants have not noticed they are leaving, and have not given proper notice.  Notice that if 30 days notice not given, you will notice some big, ugly wrestlers who have come to help you move.  Notice you will not like where they move you to.
       Respectfully,  Your Landlords

I have to give credit to my MIL for coming up with this after her last trip over to our place to show it, only to find a yard full of dog crap.  Ahhh…. if only.


2 Responses to “New Lease”

  1. .Bittersweet. (Aunt Night-Mere) 20 July 2009 at 14:17 #

    LOL! Alas, even humor won’t fend off idiots. We’ll just have to go about getting our own island SOONER rather than later. =)

  2. Steph lova 21 July 2009 at 14:42 #

    awesomeness! And I want in on that island.

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