Getting Over It

8 Mar

Monday’s a good day to write my first BLOG. I’m stressed today because all my bills have started rolling in from moving and getting utilities set up. I found out today that the company that I accepted a new job offer from last week only pays ONCE A MONTH!!! So, I’m gonna get paid for a week on the 1st of April and then no more money until May. Ouch.

The reason this is more stressful than usual is because it’s not just about me paying or not paying my bills… it’s about making it on my own. I feel like if I can make it through these first few months I’ll be okay. Agent-008 told me that if I left him, I’d never make it on my own… so it’s kind of about proving to myself that he was wrong.

He told me this weekend that he didn’t want to talk to me or see me anymore, that he can’t deal with the “friends” thing. Wow. That hurt a lot more than I thought it would. Says he can’t get over me if he sees me because every time I’m around him, he falls in love with me all over again. He knows I don’t feel the same way, and I think it’s too much for him to handle.

The part I can’t handle is knowing that I fucked up someone else’s life. Yeah, he’s an adult and he took part in making the decision to get married… and he certainly contributed to the problems in the marriage, but… he’s such a good guy, and if I had just been an ounce more self-realized two years ago, I could have prevented a lot of pain and agony. And maybe he’d be married to the right person and a lot happier right now. .

I miss little things about him… like having our own language and jokes, him knowing things about me that no one else knows, just having someone around that I was so totally comfortable with. But, being comfortable with someone is not a good reason to spend the rest of your life with that person. I guess I’ve got a lot of time to get comfortable with myself before I venture down that path again…

And even though I know he’ll never read this… I hope he knows how sorry I am and that he finds someone to lavish all his love on who will appreciate how special he is.

Well, this is a lot of crap I didn’t mean to write, but I guess blogging is all about writing whatever you want to say. Helps to just get it out there instead of letting it bounce around in my head.

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